Apologies for being so slack on the blog writing lately. The reason for my absence? I got the internet.
The internet seems like a pretty damn basic life necessity but, for the past five years I have been living without it. Well, that's not completely true - I could access it on my phone and had been paying $300+ a month for the pleasure to do so. Don't worry I'm aware, I'm an idiot.
So, in the aftermath of a messy breakup with my telecommunications company I decided it was time to get the internet connected.
Now, when it comes to understanding technology I'm kind of like Jen from The I.T Crowd
So, here is an easy 10 step guide on how to set up the internet.
Step 1. Go to your local internet provider shop and tell them you want the internet. They will ask if your "premise is NBN ready" and the kind of "bandwith you are looking for". When you tell them you just want the internet without a lock in contract they will tell you it is only available to purchase online. You will revel in the irony that you can only buy the internet on the internet.
Step 2. Find a computer with an internet connection and select the internet bundle you want. Tick boxes in the blind hope you are doing the right thing until it asks if you want to buy a modem. Question why you would need a modem to have WiFi. Start spiralling into an existential crisis about what the internet is.
Step 3. Ring your tech guru brother. Make a cup of tea whilst he researches the best internet options available and reports back to you. Marvel at how cheap the internet is compared to your previous phone bills. Write angry letter to former telecommunications provider.
Step 4. Purchase the recommended internet and wait 5-7 business days for the internet to arrive.
Step 5. Go to the post office and collect the internet
Step 6. Realise in your excitement to collect the internet that you forgot to bring your driver's license. Try to sweet talk the post office lady to release the internet without sighting your ID. Go home, grab your ID and then repeat Step 5.
Step 7. Take the internet home and set it up according to the instructions provided. Note: the instructions are so easy to follow that even a monkey could set it up. Case in point.
Step 8. Refer to yourself as the love child of Bill Gates and Steve Jobs when you manage to get the internet up and running in less than 10 minutes. Realise you could have shaved five minutes off your time if you had figured out how to undo the packing tape faster.
Step 9. Immediately sign up for Netflix and Stan.
Step 10. Cease being a functional member of society and instead binge on seasons of Ru Paul's Drag Race.