How to vote in the upcoming same sex marriage survey

As a straight, single, unmarried, childless Australian woman I have been thinking about the upcoming same-sex marriage postal survey and wondering, how does it affect me and how can I centralise my voice rather than the voice of the same-sex community? 

Now, you might say that legalising same-sex marriage only affects same-sex couples by reducing discrimination and extending to them equal respect and dignity under the law; but, as a straight, single, unmarried, childless Australian woman with the apparent right to engage in this “respectful debate” I do not want to pull a Swifty and be excluded from this narrative because, I think we can all agree I have the most skin in the game. I mean, since this whole survey debate started everyone has been so focused on discussing same sex marriage that, no one has asked me when I was getting married or starting a family. No one.

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As Tony Abbott reminded us “marriage protects women and children” so, as an unprotected woman you have to hear me out… you know, because I’m so vulnerable.

A “no” vote means single women will continue to reign supreme as the true owners of the title “biggest threat to the traditional family”. For decades, we have been working very hard in Australia to increase the median age of marriage, lower the birth rate and have children through artificial insemination; but, now we are risk of losing that title because everyone is saying that same-sex marriage is the biggest threat to the traditional family when we all know single women have been a threat for years.   

A “no” vote means homosexuals must continue to pace the hospital waiting room floor with us. If same sex marriage is legalised in Australia then next of kin rules will be updated allowing those in same sex relationships to provide support and comfort to their loved ones whilst in hospital. If they’re allowed into the room, then who will keep us company?

A “no” vote means we get to keep our gay wingmen. How the hell do you expect a single straight woman to feel good about herself during a night out when her gay wingman is at home in a committed relationship looking after the child he and his partner are now legally allowed to adopt?     

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A “no” vote means we can continue being the “beard” for gay men. If same sex marriage is legalised then Australia will become a more accepting and socially progressive inclusive society which means gay men will no longer need straight, single women to “cover” for them at work and family events. What happens to us when they are off living their true and authentic lives, huh?

A “no” vote means we don’t have to attend more weddings celebrating the love and commitment we cannot find ourselves. If same sex marriage is legalised in Australia, there will be an increase in weddings which unlike a same-sex marriage plebiscite will boost the economy as we pay for the pleasure of being isolated on the weirdo single table consoling our life inadequacies and poor decision making with an open bar and a seven tiered wedding cake.

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A “no” vote means we can continue using our “I’m not getting married until same sex marriage is legalised in Australia” line. Sure, I’ve had no suitors offering to put a ring on it but, if same sex marriage is legalised then what excuse do we have? I mean, “I’m not getting marriage until beastiality is legalised” or “I’m not getting marriage until marrying inanimate infrastructure is legalised” is a pretty lame next step argument.

A “no” vote means there won’t be an influx of inclusive television programming featuring same-sex people looking for love. I mean, as a woman of colour in Australia we already know they only accept 0.6 contestants a year who look like me on The Bachelor. If same sex marriage is legalised in Australia then we will have to wait even longer for our turn finding love on reality TV and, let’s be honest with all that homosexual competition we can pretty much kiss our prospects of becoming the host of a daytime talk show goodbye right now.

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As you can see, us straight, single, unmarried, childless Australian women have a lot to lose in the upcoming non-binding same sex marriage postal survey. So, I encourage you to make your voices heard because from September 12 all registered Australian voters will receive a form in the mail with the question: do you support a change in the law to allow same-sex couples to marry?

It’s a no-brainer for me.